Step #9: Run back the classics.

I've been trying to write for a few days but each time it seems I have had some typographical multiple personality disorder. Each paragraph has been fragmented and weird. I've been trying to tackle some improvement "steps" that are still a bit of a challenge for me so instead of catharsis, I'm making myself uncomfortable.

Whenever this happens to me, I go back into my scrawlings (journals, bar napkins, self addressed emails and text messages, post-its...you get the idea). I read what it sounds like when my thoughts are organized and lucid. On occasion, it inspires me but, usually it makes me long for the clarity of that moment. Rather than beating myself up over it, I'm choosing to run back a favorite. Below is a letter I wrote to my family upon my first and so far only trip to Paris three years ago. I was alone and intimidated. My only comfort was the familiarity of being a strange man in a strange land...a feeling that comes to me more often than not.

In a letter dated 3 June, 2008:

Paris on a Tuesday is cloudy and lonely. I felt like i should really see it today but all i'm doing is walking through parks...the most beautiful parks that anyone would care to create but, parks nonetheless...

There's a carousel ahead of me and no one to take my picture on one of those giant plastic ponies. I finally got to the tuilleries and have seen the eiffel tower. I have to admit, I find it to be a bit of an eyesore amidst all this staggering romantic architecture.

I'm afraid to speak to anyone for fear of giving way to my butchering of the most elegant of languages. i don't even feel like me really...I'm timid and ignorant--the confidence in my gait has all but disappeared...I feel hurried and worried and nervous.
I saw the rodin sculpture, the kiss. I stood and looked at it for a very long while and then I wept.

I went for a run this morning in the Jardin de Luxembourg. All of my anxiety seemed to give way when i saw groups of runners through the park. Something to be said about running: It, like love, is a universal language. Parisiennes nodded and held gates open for me, I exchanged bon jours and merci beaucoups, and suddenly the world was a friendly place. The garden is surrounding the palace and museum of luxembourg and was littered with statues, sculptures, fountains one more stunning than the next. There were actually a few I saw that looked human. The first statue of liberty was in this park too...It makes a lot of sense that we sent the French back to the drawing board.

I went to a pharmacy to buy a loofah and body wash and am pretty sure I ended up spending the equivalent of $30 on what would've cost me $8.99 at Harmon but, when in Paris, I guess I should follow suit.

I hope in the days to come, the sun comes out and shines its good graces on me...I'm lacking in sleep and vitamin D. I work much better when the time goes backwards.