Step #21: Don't Go Changin'

It's a very precarious dance, this "sharing" business.

I think it makes people feel weird.

Recently, I spoke to a few new readers about the content of my stenographed therapy sessions to see what they thought about it. I was met with four words that mystified me:

I

don't

get

it.


It was a kick to the groin. Have I been obtuse? self-serving? ambiguous? overly euphemistic? broad? Am I broad? Is my blog making me look fat?

And so I went.... down, down, down....first mate of the tidy bowl man into the seas of anxiety. I grabbed a brown bag and began breathing, slowly...paced. 1...2....3...4 IN; 1...2...3...4 OUT.

My nightmare unfolds like so:

I envision the reader. The reader turns into a sea of readers who, for whatever reason, are all sitting in a computer lab circa '91. (Weird, right?) They squint at my blog on monitors that are entirely too small. First, the canvas is blank and then it begins to happen. One hundred faces scrunching in a variety of wrinkle patterns rivaling a box filled with shar pei puppies.

I scan their vacant eyes in horror when I see THAT guy.

You know THAT guy. He's the guy you want punch in the face just because of how he looks. His mouth opens slowly and he looks around at his zombie nightmare brethren. The words escaping his lips in a cloud of judgment.....

"EEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN'TGEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIT."

Four words. In four words, this know-it-all who's face I want to smash has shattered my confidence.

Normally, I'd back-pedal here about how I can take constructive criticism. But, I won't because i don't think there's anything constructive in those words. It made me resentful that I had ever decided to share these feelings with anyone. I thought I was doing some real work. For me. The fact that it was speaking to people who's intellect I respect? Icing.

There's always going to be someone with something to say. (That might be the most brilliant of my ambiguities...Good for me.) But, this whole thing started because there was an unrest in me...something that needed to come out. If it's only good for me, then that's the chance I'm going to have to take. I got shaken by four words. I doubted myself. Doubted the quality of what I was putting out. I thought about all the ways I could make this funnier, lighter, more campy, more anecdotal, more specific, less heady, less heavy, less introspective. I was so ready to change my voice to become more marketable, more gettable. I hated myself for it.

I may not always be fit for public consumption. I'll accept that. But I can't change what I want to say into what you want to hear. It'll all come out like shit. The same goes for whatever you are creating, even if its just a strong foundation to stand on. Don't compromise yourself for anyone. If your intention is seeded in the right place, you can't go wrong.